You are Beautiful (no matter what they say)

I was once an insecure and condescending critic of others’ bodies. I crossed the yellow lane, walked past that and got to the other side.

A month or so ago, I randomly saw a friend’s post on Facebook that got me thinking for weeks and urged me to finally write this.

It was a video titled, “Actress Jessica Rey: The Godly Truth About Bikinis”. It was basically a Christian talk by the actress, Jessica Rey, about how bikinis are shaping our minds and bodies in terms of the socially constructed standards of modern beauty.

As she had mentioned in the video clip and as narrated by fashion historians, bikini was the term coined by Louis Réard to describe a new kind of beach costume being worked on by fashion designer Jacques Heim in 1946. The term was taken from “Bikini Atoll”, one of the series of islands in the South Pacific where the testing of the new atomic bomb took place. With its “very revealing” nature that time, the term bikini was used to create much stir and surprise among people similar to that of the reactions to the atomic bomb that hit Japan the previous summer.

Jessica Rey also talked about what women, then and now, wore on the beach or pool areas. She admits wearing bikinis before but eventually switched to more modest swim wear as inspired by the legendary beauty and fashion icon, Audrey Hepburn. She argues that women don’t have to wear skimpy clothes just to look and feel beautiful or sexy. She introduced her own creations of beach wear that are as charming and lovely as bikinis but are surprisingly stylish and modest.

Although this was posted in relation to the Christian faith, I still believe there are a lot of underlying issues and pervasive social pressures among women associated with a seemingly trivial thing such as bikinis.

I was never a fan of bikinis. I don’t mind other people wearing them but not myself. Well, don’t get me wrong, I’ve worn a bikini top before although those times I was still confined within the comforts of my friend’s company. But that’s as far as I went. I admit that I wasn’t confident with my own body before. I’m obviously petite and my vital statistics doesn’t necessarily scream “beach bod”.

As a teenager I didn’t actually dream of having a 36-24-36 body but I admired girls who were flattering in bikinis or swimsuits. But being 18 and finally reaching 20, a lot of changes happened not just with my body but with how I perceive it, and as pathetic as it may sound, compared to the bodies of other girls my age. I’ve learned in school, among my peers and mentors that the “inside” is far more important than the “outside”. But no matter how many times I hear this or tell this to myself, I still couldn’t help but think about insecurities and why some are better or better-looking than others.

It was only a few days ago that I understood everything I used to question and finally found the answers I surprisingly found within myself.


*University of Princeton Study

After watching that short clip of Jessica Rey, I tried to search for the study at Princeton University about men’s perception of scantily clad women that she had mentioned. Upon further reading, I found out more details about and finally decided that it was time to write about it.

Psychologist Susan Fiske, along with other researchers at Princeton University, conducted a study among 21 heterosexual male volunteers. They first took a test that scores people based on different types of sexist attitudes. They were then show pictures of both fully-clothed and skimpily-dressed men and women. The brain scan results showed that “when men are shown pictures of scantily clad women, the region of the brain associated with tool use lights up.”

The results also showed that there was an absence of activity in the part of the brain that usually responds when a person ponders another’s intention and a lack of activation in the social cognition area of the brain. These results revealed that these men see women as “sexually inviting, but they are not thinking about their minds”.

Furthermore, the study showed that men were also more likely to associate images of sexualized women with first-person action verbs such as “I push, I grasp, I handle,” as compared to the association with the third-person action such as “She pushes, She grasps, She handles”, with fully-clothed women.


*Objectification of Women

Although it has been recorded, argued and continuously debated on, the idea of the objectification of women is now finally clothed in scientific basis. It is now more than a feminist idea or an argument in the pervasiveness of double standards in our societies; it is a scientific fact that is both appalling and contemptible.

Everyday is still a struggle for a lot of women and everyday, each one of us, man and woman, unwittingly continues to live in this shadow of inequality and deeply-rooted social constructs on gender and sexuality.

My point is, many people, feminists or not, are fighting to create this ever longed for equality. There is inequality not just because of its long history, people’s obstinacy and disregard for it, but because there is something wrong in our culture.

I believe that there are a lot of things that the government and the society can do to prevent this but I also believe that we, as women, should also play an important role because we can and we should.

After watching Jessica Rey’s video clip and reading up on the Princeton University study, I asked my friends why or why they wouldn't wear bikinis. Most answers I found trivial but every conversation boiled down to their bodies.


*Obsessive Beauty Culture

There is always this insane pressure and judgment among women in the realm of society’s obsessive beauty culture.

I remember reading this story about a person who took a picture of a woman with excessive facial hair and a huge turban, posted it on Reddit, saying very offensive words towards her physical appearance. Apparently, the woman in the picture learned about this and commented that she was a Sikh with the belief that they should not alter their physical appearance – thus never cutting their hair and tying it in a turban. It was amazing how calmly she took the words and explained her beliefs. The person who originally posted the picture eventually apologized.

This kind of thing is just one of the innumerable ways that shows us how easily people can judge others and in turn, how others might perceive themselves based on these judgments and imposed standards.

Women have painstakingly endured different kinds of physical and emotional pain because of this obsessive beauty culture. Why would you give yourself excruciating amount of pain just to maintain a bikini line or keep those flabs from flapping away? Why has vanity become so obsessive that we let our bodies and self-esteem suffer just to be able to be called "beautiful"?

I am not saying that it is bad to look good. The question I want to ask is why do these things?

I believe that women can wear whatever they want and do whatever they want to do. But these should not be worn or done because of what others might say but because we embrace who we are and are proud of it.

I’ve seen this blog criticizing how women try so hard at having a beach body for the summer and so she posted this very humorous but meaningful picture:





*Stop Trying to Impress

I have nothing against people who wear bikinis but I hope they wear this with confidence, whatever body type they have. I hope that they wear this not because they want to please men but because they are pleased with their own bodies. I hope that they wear bikinis for their own unique and beautiful bodies not for others to praise or envy them.

I hope we go on diets not because we want to fit in a corset or be someone’s date. I hope we go on diets because we want to be healthy. I hope that we don’t always have to be what we see from the obsessive beauty culture in our society.

I used to be insecure of my body but now I’ve learned to embrace it. I know it is hard for some, especially for those who are big-boned, naturally large, or have health problems. But we are beautiful not because of what others say but because we accept our own beauty, whatever form it may take.

All I am saying is that we should learn to take care of ourselves and be confident without spending too much money, time, and without compromising our individuality for something that has no bearing on the quality of our friendships, our employability and our worth as a person.

We are not objects. We are human beings. How can men perceive us as such if we, ourselves, do not believe that we are beautiful the way we are – fully-clothed or scantily-clad, size 4 or size 14, fair or copper-skinned? We must learn to accept our bodies and feel beautiful because, in essence, we all are.



*Of Modesty

On a more personal note, I am happy to have stumbled upon Jessica Rey’s video clip. Religion aside, I feel a bit ashamed of how my values were compromised by the desire to fit in, to be liked. But with that video clip, I was reminded again of modesty that my Mom has always been telling me ever since I was a kid. She would tell me that some of her students would wear make up or dress up in very skimpy or flashy clothes but end up having nothing to say or answer in class. As cliché as it may sound yet again, but what is inside will always be more important than what can be seen on the outside.

And in light of recent events, I am both overwhelmed and ecstatic about the announcement that there will be no swimsuit competition for this year's Ms. World pageant. As stated in the article published in the New York Times:

“It has been misunderstood by some people that Miss World is a beauty competition focusing on the physical attractiveness of a woman’s body,” the organizer, Hary Tanoesoedibjo, an Indonesian media tycoon, said.
“This is absolutely misleading,” Mr. Tanoesoedibjo said, adding that the pageant is also about “inner beauty, which includes intelligence, manners and achievement.”




Just like Audrey Hepburn and all the confident and “beautiful” women out there, I hope I would never forget modesty and grow old covered in wrinkles and unflattering elderly symptoms but still as elegant, principled and dignified as I can be.

before and after

A book review of Samantha Sotto's "Before Ever After"

I really am not a fan of love stories in novels. I got to read this book, however, due to the recommendation of my friend, Allana, who lent me a copy. I was also fascinated by the fact that its author is a Filipina.

“Before Ever After” is a story of a woman who had lost her husband in a terrible accident and three years after finds herself confronted by another man, who claims to be the grandson of his late husband. Paolo, an Italian editor of American coffee table books, one day comes knocking into Shelley’s door and shows her pictures of her late husband, Max.

Paolo tells her that Max, whom Shelley knew was dead for three years, is actually alive and well and is in fact, Paolo’s grandfather. Shelley is both overwhelmed and confused with the man in her midst but much more perplexed by the two realities she has yet to come to terms with. Shelley and Paolo then go to a trip to solve a puzzle they both know might ruin their pasts and complicate the present.

I dare not tell the ending because that is actually what kept my interest until the end. Upon reading the hanging synopsis at the back of the book, I really had no idea how it will end or even how the story would go.

As I started with the first few chapters, I felt like I was watching a movie – sort of a combination of the films “If Only”, “P.S. I Love You” and “Bridget Jones Diary”. It was way too melodramatic for me, too theatrical even so I had to remind myself that, although I didn’t adore love stories as much, I still had to give the book a chance.

But the story gets interesting when Shelley meets Paolo and receives the shocking information that her dead husband is actually alive. On their journey together to meet Max, Shelley tells Paolo of how she and Max had met. And this boy-meets-girl tale really made the story more real, vivid, frustrating at times, exhilarating but surprisingly poignant. Shelley tells her of the group tour in Europe she impulsively joined. Coincidentally, this tour was organized by Max.

Max, Shelley and a small bunch of tourists travel around the beautiful towns and cities in Europe, exploring the less explored and having the most unusual and unexpected times of their lives.

If it were a real tour, I would’ve probably joined them. I am not fond of cities. I prefer to experience the culture, the history of a place, its uncommon spots. I’d rather live in a traditional house than stay in a five-star hotel. And that’s exactly why I enjoyed most parts of the book. I liked the way it somehow brought me closer to those places I could only dream of, even if some were fictional, I guess.

I think the highlights of the book were supposed to be focused on the stories behind the places that Max narrated to them during their travels. However, what I did was to picture these places in my mind and imagine how it would feel being there and hearing Max’s stories, as well.

Max shares stories of love, foolishness, youth, irrationality, fear, insanity, urgency, patience, courage, uncertainty, monsters, death, salvation and of realities and truths that are inevitably harder to live with than to accept.

The stories are as philosophical as it is practical in our life experiences. I was amazed though at the author's creativity and very detailed accounts of Max’s stories. Although at the latter part of their tour, I got a bit bored because I was so anxious of the ending, I still tried to grasp the significance of each of their adventures. It also got confusing at times because the stories of the past (which narrates the European tour by Max with the tour group including Shelley) was alternately placed with the story of the present (Paolo and Shelley’s trip to meet Max).

The end of Shelley and Paolo’s long distance travel brings them to the Philippines, in the charming and calm island in Boracay…in that small island where they are going to meet Max.

I leave you the liberty to read the ending yourselves. It’d probably be more exciting than me telling it here.

Anyways, the ending is somehow surprising although I got hints halfway through the book. But I think I still liked how it ended.

Although I think this is the longest time it took me to finish reading a book, I still found it worthwhile. It was generally a refreshing break from all my thriller reads. It just felt bothersome how the book seemingly drowned in adjectives and figures of speech. But as a whole, I still enjoyed reading it and would perhaps recommend it to friends.

I am also proud of the book’s author, Samantha Sotto, who was able to get into the Western literature market. There are a lot of exceptional writers and novelists in the country and I hope their works do get the same attention. But in essence, for me, for the love of literature, getting published by huge publishing houses doesn’t really matter as much as the readers getting more from the book than the author had originally intended.

In one way or another, I guess the book gave me something else. I don’t know if it’s a compliment for the author and her book but I know that what I got from the book is something significant.

I think the way to appreciate these kinds of books is to delve deeper into every encounter each page strikes you with. Maybe that’s how I got to appreciate the book despite the recurrence of romance and amorous sentimentality.

It could be very escapist in some ways but still a good read. A fascinating read indeed.

children vs. adults

Flashback.

Last month, during the enrollment period, we had to go to our respective advisers for approval of the subjects we were to take. As a freshman in the graduate program, my adviser and I had the inevitable Q&A portion during the pre-advising part of the registration procedures. It was basically a getting-to-know-you conversation since we'd be spending the next 2 years or so together, academically.

I sat next to her while she asked me questions. The first part of our conversation made me a bit tense but excited still.

Adviser: So, Clinical Psych. What are your plans?
Me: Well Ma'am, basically, I am working full time now and I'll be taking 2-3 subjects per semester.
Adviser: What do you plan to do after finishing your degree?
Me: I might quit working full-time when I finally have to work on my thesis and hopefully get a job related to my field of interest. After that, I'd probably pursue my Ph.D.
Adviser: A lot of studying I see.
Me: Yes, I guess.
Adviser: How old are you again?
Me: 22.
Adviser: Ohhh...

And it went from something mundane to something seemingly simple yet strikingly significant.

Adviser: Clinical. So, you want to help people. Who do you want to help, kids? adults?
Me: Adults. I prefer adults. I don't think I can handle kids better.
Adviser: Really? Are you sure?
Me: I don't know. I'm not really sure but I always have this soft spot for kids and I might be too affected if they're facing problems or issues. It scares me and I might lose heart.
Adviser: Really? Don't you think adults are more complicated.
Me: I guess so but I think I would be able to handle them.

My adviser, Dr. Violeta Bautista, appears like a straight cut-out from a more domestic version of Elite Philippines Magazine or the Philippine Tatler. She was so refreshingly lively and pretty yet she has this comfortable, homey feeling. She was wearing this maxi skirt, which has been a fashion craze lately, and a simple top accentuated by a long, bright but neat scarf. Everyone had their eyes on her with her elegance and a hairstyle that almost screams the word, 'fabulous'. Most interestingly, someone was following her behind wherever she went as if the only way to tread was the way she took. I'm not sure about the breed of the dog but he sure is a darling.

Anyway, my adviser just actually stands out from the rest of Psychology faculty because of the positive and eminent aura that she exudes. When I first saw her and learned that she was my adviser, I knew I was going to like her and I did, I actually do.

After our brief talk, the questions she asked just slipped out of my mind until recently when I've had this "reflection phase". Reflection, in a sense that I try to understand why I did things, said things, how I should deal with them, if I had ulterior motives and what I learned, even in the simplest of events.

"I don't think I can handle kids better."

Thinking about it now makes me really wonder if I could really handle adults better than kids. Living together with my parents until I was 16 kept me protected from all forms of harm and influences I got to know. Living away from my family and staying in the metro for more than 6 years now has also changed me a lot. Most of these changes were brought about by my new environment, my liberal education and most influentially, the people I interact with. More than a year now as a full-time employee, I still get to learn more than I'd expected. I thought I knew a lot of different kinds of people with the fact that I lived as a dormer my entire college life but I realized that it has also confined me to people who are more or less my age with the same UP mindset.

But being in a working environment where I interact with people from all ages and backgrounds, different schools, varying social interests and viewpoints, I learn of things, of ways that make adults more complicated than we'll ever understand. And recently, that conversation with my professor played back so vividly in my mind and for a while I thought of the answer I gave her, even questioned it myself.

People will continue to be complicated, more complicated with time, I guess, because essentially, change is inevitable. I take this a challenge now. Early on, one of the seemingly petty reasons why I wanted to Psych, was to understand and help my friends who seemed to have all kinds of problems this world has to offer. But now, I am more determined and even inspired to finish my studies and practice my profession to be able to sincerely help people and hopefully, to enable them to also help others, directly or indirectly.

I hope I would really be able to handle adults better when I finally get my license and practice. I hope I won't forget, even for a second, of why I want to pursue this profession. I hope will consistently have this passion and dedication for Psych, even more, as I further my studies. I hope that someday I would be of genuine help to people, without causing harm and with the best kind of impact on their lives.